Discipline, Day 43

Discipline and focus are the themes that seem to be reverberating through manifold aspects of my days at present. It seems fair enough considering that I may be retracing back to childhood; and in addition children seem to be attracting my attention with renewed enthusiasm - I am gaga for kids at the moment.

My mind has been wandering on all sorts of tangents of late, most notably food cravings, boredom and general mind wanderings that are all lovely and fine but that stray from the very fact that my life exists right here, right now. I find that I can be so focused on one thing that it appears to be consume me, but really thoughts can be shifted, and the thing that in one moment enthuses my attention so strenuously is like a ball that can be deflated to occupy less space and give way to other thoughts. I have ultimate control of my thoughts, when I think that all I want to do is eat food, travel far, avoid work - all I have to do is switch my focus back to the now and meditate on the curiosities that ensue from the fulfillment of what I am doing.

I have always had problems with discipline, I have an inherent stubbornness, that adversely pursues the opposite direction of what she is told to do, just because I am being told. Such often prevents me from being open to new ideas and directions, unless I feel that they have come from me. Yet I find that authoritative instruction often conceals people's own frustrations at not being able to do what they want to do; or is even used as a pass the parcel for people's negative energy. Sometime people need to vent, and in order to do so they take on a paternal, "I am annoyed because you are not doing what I tell you to do" tone, but really they are annoyed because they have received some negative energy from somebody else, who has subsequently received their own from somebody else and so forth. I am trying to understand to break that chain of negative energy, through love. It is quite a work upon reflex habit. It had been a lifelong tendency, to transfer one person's aggression to another person - in childhood I would transmit my parent's scoldings to my twin brother, and he would probably transmit that onto his school friends, or his Luke Skywalker man. And in the real world , when I receive anger in this form, it stings, and those stings make it hard for me to disperse it and furthermore, to give love back. But shouting at somebody is a way of asking for love, healing - perverse as it may be, and it would only make it worse to shout back. I am on top of the world right now, with so much love to give. Is it possible to sustain this? Sometimes somebody's anger can suddenly burst this bubble, and make me question whether or not I was just dreaming happiness. Personal change is such a fine line, you cross it but it is so easy to come back to square one - negativity. And in that state of mind, you have to climb a hill to come back on yourself. It is a persistent quest, I am not sure that there is a plateau of constant positivity but I am sure it gets easier with habit and self-instilled discipline. I think strongly about raising my future kids with in a more free-thinking approach, to think and discover truth for themselves without the intervention of fear tactics. I believe that self-discipline is important to instill, but that there must be a more loving, non-authoritative way to do so. I would love to hear any suggestions...Off to frolick now in the forest with Mother Nature. Love and Light.

Yesterday I had

2l Water with MSM and Psyllium
1.5l Pineapple, Parsley and Celery Juice
1l Parsley, Fennel, Beetroot and Pear Juice
1l Orange Juice
500ml Grapefruit and Celery Juice
Turkish Baths and Skin Brush